Being alone is something that I never did very well with. In fact, I hated it. The loneliness consumed me. I filled my every waking moment with talking to people, hanging out with friends and planning the next time to hang out with friends. I operated like this unconsciously for about 15 years. I lived in share houses with multiple people just so I avoided being alone. The very rare occasions that I did get the house to myself, I immediately felt empty, descending into dark, horrible thoughts about myself and my life. Sometimes the thoughts would get so bad that I had to ring people to distract me from those thoughts. I hated being with myself.
It wasn’t until my journey of awakening started last year did I deeply realise how much I had been running from myself. I ran from myself by travelling non-stop for 10 years, constantly seeking new connections, experiences and friendships. All along, the one connection I craved, was to myself.
I delicately started to delve into myself. I met and befriended my inner child- 5yr old Eedy which made me deeply aware of how much I hadn’t been there for her. I had been suppressing her needs, not giving to her, not loving her. I had been distracting myself from.. myself.
Meeting her changed my life, I’m now so much more loving, compassionate, kind and empathetic towards myself. I give to myself. know what her needs and boundaries are now. I know what type of treatment, love, care and support she’s worthy of receiving.
I know the signs now when I’m not in connection with her. My ego make excuses and says we don’t need to meditate which slowly causes that disconnect within. I tend to find that I seek the company of people more, even though she’s screaming at me to take time out and I ignore her. I find that my energy gets drained quickly when I’m not putting her needs first. I find I get this fear of being alone again and this brings up feelings of abandonment. I feel a big gaping hole in my Solar plexus and it brings up feelings of insecurity, attachment and deep sadness. I find myself making plans, filling my schedule, just to avoid being alone.
But, now that I know these signs, I have the awareness oh how I give to her. I take her out to Nature where she feels grounded and whole again. I take her on an adventure, praising her with words of love and encouragement. I sit with the unpleasant emotions and feelings and reassure her that she’s safe, valued and loved. I reconnect to my body, honouring it’s strength and innate wisdom.
Loneliness and alone aren’t the same thing… you can be alone and not feel lonely. It’s all a choice on how you perceive it.
So what does being alone look like to you? What are the signs you get when you need more alone time and do you honour that?